I was interested in reading Paul’s last blog about ‘birds of a feather’, and also while Michele was with us she mentioned a perspective that was very helpful indeed. She said that she heard some time ago the concpet of three types of relationship:
- relationships for a reason
- relatationships for a season
- relationships for a lifetime.
(If you google you will find that there are many people from Christians, to secularists to psychics who use this framework, probably simply indicating that the concept makes sense.)
I hope that the title is self-evidently a little tongue-in-cheek, yet having some understanding that relationships are not all the same can help us, so here are some thoughts on the various relationships that we encounter.
Relationships for a reason
There are many times when people come into our orbit and influence us greatly. When those people are likeable (this of course can mean, they like us and don’t go out of their way to confront us!!) it can be easy to see who they are and value them. We need people who come alongside and encourage us. I remember years ago hearing Gerald Coates say that no-one can thrive in an environment of discouragement. However, there can be a little twist on this aspect of people who come into our lives, when they are people who we do not get on with too well. Yes, apparently we also need that to happen. In those situations it is often not so easy to see the purpose of what is going on. It is easy to see what is wrong with the other person… however, inevitably when the squeeze is on us things come out that show a few changes also needs to take place in us.
So these relationships tend to be shorter term, and in order to enable us to make the shift we need to at a specific time.
Relationships for a season
These will normally be longer-term relationships as they are not intended to help us make a transition, but to progress within the season we are in. A new season will normally demand a new way of thinking and a new way of working. So in these relationships we should be expecting that they will carry something different to us. In the initial stages there will often be a strangeness, of language and interpretation. When I experienced a major shift in the mid-90s, I increasingly mixed with people whose journey was different to mine. I both loved it and was provoked by it… but increasingly knew that they were vital to help me move in a fresh direction.
A great danger is in not accepting these new relationships, and of either not valuing the fresh perspectives through holding on to the influence of former relationships, or of so walking away from what was previous that there is a devaluation of the past.
Relationships for a lifetime
Relationships of this order will be fewer in number, and even when they are in place they will not all be the same. There are lifetime relationships where, even after a passage of time or distance of geography, the relationship is picked up where it was left. There are lifetime relationships that can also be where there is very regular, ongoing inter-connection. Such people will know us well, people we are safe with, but not because they always agree with us.
So… if interested, do a little web search and see what is written on this. Seems to me that we can end in trouble when we fail to discern what kind of relationship is in view, and when we try to force a relationship to be something it is not intended to be.
Relationships are wonderful, but can be complex. They can also be masked by any corporation / construct we are part of. Those are thoughts for another day.
9 Comments
As you say relationships are wonderful, but can be complex. Therefore let me mess up the tongue- in-cheek categorisation. You see it strikes me that sometimes relationships are for BOTH a reason and a season. Similarly, it seems to me that relationships may be for BOTH a reason and lifetime!
Categorising relationships in some ways is helpful. Having moved around a bit in the last 9 years I have realised that some relationships haven’t stood the test of time, despite how people reacted when we left the country. At first it hurt, but now I accept it as part of the problem of moving on. People get busy and forget you, even though they may protest that they never will and yet there are those relationships which connect again and again through time and as if, like you said, you just pick up from where you left off.
And then some may be for a reason season AND a lifetime
but then that would make them simply a lifetime… ah categorizations can be complex as the relationships they help define. This has indeed be very helpful in helping me through seasonal changes and transitions with more grace.
the trouble for me is that I tend to only figure out the seasonality or reason of a relationship long after it is over. c.
Thanks for the interactions, and the ‘they can be for … AND … AND…’ comments. So true. Glad we don’t have to over examine life. And as Cheryl says we often only see things as we look in the rear view mirror.
I like this post a lot. I would say I have about 5 of the’ relationships for a lifetime’ and they are all in Wales and I miss them and treasure them lots . 1 x my running coach/atheist
2 x baptist church charasmatic – friends before we were both born again. 3 x longtime school friend christian/artist -out of construct of church; 4 x running partner and crisis management specialist 
not a christian . 5 x my sister . All very different but for me the most important relationships – Oh yes and I guess my husband is in the relationships for lifetime category too !
We just had someone who we got ‘close’ to us (lived with us for 2 months, worked with us almost a year) just announce He was leaving for another state early February. I was shocked and am still trying to define that friendship/relationship -maybe I missed something ? …. I am now thanking God for the ol faithful geysers that always have something to spout when we meet, some agreeable, some not so. However, I thank God for that openness, honesty, care, concern, to cheer each other on – whatever it is – it is so much more than that I suppose it is – unconditional love in a beautiful package.
What about categorizing them like this:
-intimate
-personal
-social
-public
?
It would help us to understand depth instead of length…
I like!!
I like your comment about relationships and transitions, very useful. Very easy to hold on to past perspectives.