Just Saying!!!
Funny that when you least expect it something that is said or done does not just cause a ripple but a bit of a tidal wave. On Sunday morning I posted the following status update on Facebook;
So many status updates on a Sunday about life changing meetings, messages and ministries. This event is the most exciting ever. That event will be the best ever. The worship here is better than there. The vision day will give you insight to what we (you) should be doing to change the world. I’m just excited to be walking with the life-changer 24/7. No attendance or performance can connect me more to Him than I am right now. Will be walking and talking with Him while I watch my sons play football today.
The feedback from that has generated so far 83 comments and a debate about ‘going to church’ and being ‘connected’, being ‘accountable’ and ‘not neglecting the gathering together.’ I think I find it surprising because I have posted much more radical things than that status with hardly a flutter so why now? Why such a reaction? The empire seems to be striking back. The other thing is, out of those 83 comments in reply and reaction only once have I written anything and that was early on. It all seems to have taken on a life of it’s own. Plus I did not really make a comment about ‘going to church’ in the first place, it was more a comment on those hyped up Sunday morning status updates that I was fed up reading. I really was just saying. Now you would think I would be letting such things go over my head, after all I am walking in my convictions and know the sense of God with me. So why have I been letting it get to me? Why have I taken this all to heart? Why am I so sensitive? I have always been called to walk on a limb, on the edge, speak out the radical, live the margins. So why did God give me such a timid character?
Intimidation, the empires voice.
How many times in the past have I sung ‘be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you?’ How many times have I quoted ‘He did not give me a spirit of timidity but a spirit of love, power and of sound mind.’ Yet here I am feeling a bit disorientated. The comments and questions can actually come from well meaning friends with a pure motive, but there is something sneaky about intimidation it just seems to creep in there, hanging on a word or a phrase or even a look. Inside I don’t feel the champion I just want to cower back into the shell. Like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz I shout out ‘put ‘em up’, but when someone does put them up I just want to run. I want to hide. The voice seems null and void. The old Paul Leader seems to be there still. The one that used to sit in the back of the class at school and say nothing in-case I said the wrong thing. Fear of getting it wrong. Teachers used to always write in my reports ‘wish Paul would take part more in class discussions’. There are loads of people who do not believe I am naturally a shy, introverted young man. They see the pulpit man, the preacher, the prophetic voice, the writer of bold, controversial statements. They fail to see the little boy inside nervous of the repercussions. I often have a few conversations with God about ‘why me?’ Surely there are plenty of others who could be used that would be so much more certain and forthright in this new landscape? People who could confidently give an answer to any question without feeling intimidated. Yet here I am still standing. Still walking. Still proclaiming. Intimidation really is the empires voice. Taking others words and adding a tone, a sharp point, doubt, fear. It comes to render us inactive. It comes to disqualify our walk and talk. It comes to take away our freedom and wants to reign us in again, to control us.
Evidence of God.
Instead of being a warrior for the Lord I feel a weakling. Where is my shield of faith that extinguishes all the fiery darts of the evil one? And yet when I really look at everything that has gone on with my life it screams of the evidence of God. There is no way I could have done or said any of this without there being a God. I do not seek confrontation, in-fact naturally I would avoid it. The timid man inside loves to go with a flow and be agreeable. Yet there is something that seems to dwell in my life that is a voice. It is there inside me and it spills out every now and again. I am compelled to say and do certain things. I say and do them without thinking. It rises up inside me and seems to burst out onto a page or into a listening ear. There must be a God. He must still be with me out here in this marginalised, questioinable place. The empire may be striking back but there is a sense of the return of the jedi. The force is stronger than evil. Perfect love casts out all timidity, even when I still feel weak. When I ask the question ‘why me’ I am reminded that he chooses the weak things of this world. I may not be always able but I am willing. From somewhere a strength comes. God! At this moment because of the backlash I may feel that I want to keep my mouth shut but I know I will open my mouth and put my foot in it again because He has put a fire inside that intimidation will not kill. Empire wants to kill what it cannot control but the stirring keeps coming. I cannot be silent. Isaiah once said to God in my interpretation, ‘you tricked me into this.’ He was welcomed in with bright lights and heavenly visions, in the place of glory, where he could not refuse to say ‘here am I send me.’ Then the rubber hit the road, no one listened to him, they questioned him as a prophet and he thought to himself, ‘I was conned, I only responded because of all the fireworks and the glory. All I have is this crap day after day. I want to shut up and live a normal life, but there is something inside me that compels me to keep going.’ Isaiah I know exactly how you feel.
18 Comments
Return of the Jedi! I’m in, was just thinking the other day I’d quite like a Jedi cloak lol
Staying hidden until stirred by something stronger within and weilding the light saber with ‘the force’ to bring liberty to the captives….yep I’m going for Jedi.
Having labelled the opposing viewpoint as being ‘empire’ I think you may find even more comments coming your way
I wholly understand where you’re coming from in this post, Paul. I too find it hard to deal with the opposition that comes to some of the things I’m saying. It’s even harder when nothing is said by some but they still shut their pulpits to you, or remove you off their blog list, or even worse, make their attack a personal one. For me it touches a deeper issue of the heart and actually makes it possible for an old wound to be opened up to God’s healing.
The question is whether you are so intimidated that you stop writing. From the above I can see that is not the case! So keep going – your opinion needs to be heard.
Thanks Dyfed, you are such a blessing. Love so much all you share too.
ah paul. that post on sunday surely caused a stir. i innocently enough gave my 6 cents worth and felt very intimidated too.. i’ve been thinking since why did i say anything. i kept saying i’m not reading any more comments but sure i did and sincerely commented again not wanting to attack anyone but just being honest with where i feel God is bringing me.. whack again!. so glad you wrote the above because i was feeling quiet isolated again since sunday lol. i am not alone. i get all your saying… spot on. i don’t want confrontation with anyone but sometimes i just share my journey and bang i get whacked with the same old scriptures time and time again. ouch!!! anyway gotta keep on going on our journey with the only one who knows whats going on. you may have caused another tidal wave with this. keep letting the fireworks out, i need them.. lol. blessings to you
Thank you Caitriona. I so feel your vulnerablity in all you share. I often say to myself, why did I say that?, then I go and say something else again. Those same old scriptures make me yawn too. Just get fed up explaining myself sometimes, that is why I cannot get myself to go for coffee sometimes with these people, they don’t want to listen, just want to give me their opinion on my errors. Rather have coffee on my own! You are an encouragement too. So glad we have reconnected after all this time. Bless you good.
Shy and introvert. Check
Why me? Check
How on earth did I get here? Check
I think I know what you mean Paul
Big big hugs Paul, love your posts and really hope to meet you in Cardiff in March. You are so, so on the right (narrow) path, not really that surprising how Sunday blew up, even though that is not even what you were talking about! It doesn’t hurt forever, it’s becomes funny eventually, the fireworks and glory are amazing, keep going, keep writing, let the fire burn, He is awesome, awesome, awesome and closer than the air that you breathe…….where ever you are!
Thanks Steve, bless you so much mate. Will be there on the Saturday in Cardiff so catch up with you then I hope. Your words are such an encouragement to me.
Even though it happens rarely, causes loads of controversy/problems and usually ends up shipwrecking you, don’t you just love it when it spills out? In that moment you shake off all the timidity and going-with-the-flown-ess…in that moment you glimpse something of yourself, which to me, seems original design…but you can’t fake it. the empire is striking back so guess we can expect to have more ‘spills’.
I laughed at the bit on saying yes in the sparkly glory, then waking up thinking, oh crap…..lol. guess its what keeps us going back for more.
thanks for this Paul, gives me more insight into my inner wimp vs. warrior saga
Thanks Abi for these encouraging words. Bless you good.
And I know how you feel Paul – you haven’t been assimilated…you’ve gone through Stage 4 and The Wall and like many of us, are still going through it. God has called our generation into detox and it isnt easy when you’re addicted. But God! And there are many of us out here on the margins who understand exactly and are walking in the same direction… Hope to meet you in March too. Bless.
Thanks Jane for reminding me of the Wall and the Stages. Be great to meet you in March too. Bless you good.
Paul, I have been reading your posts on Martin’s site and I love them. They have offered rich encouragement to me over the last couple of months and I love your honesty and “where its at”-ness! To me, your words/thoughts stike an authentic note, especially in tune with the season I feel is upon us. Its as if I hear a giant Jewish oyvey from the sky saying, “enough already – start with Me. I’m all you’ve got, and everything else is chasing after the wind anyway. Nothing else really matters.” I love the words of a Jason Upton song – “in the company of Jesus, – nobody knows where they’re going!” Makes me smile, and to that I would only add, – if they’re following Him that is. You are. Thanking you for sharing. Miranda
Thank you Miranda. I love what you have shared here. Those words to the Jason Upton song are so apt. You have so encouraged me here, bless you good.
Paul, when you sling that stone at the Giant you won’t even have to aim. What an honor!
Totally man, I’m a mess and unqualified but that’s why He chose me. It makes no sense whatsoever. No doubt I have a relationship with God that could only be described as weird. But throughout it all I’ve fallen in love with Him, just like you. He says this is the glory….His love, our oneness with him, unity. I don’t understand it but I believe it. What can stop this?…His Glory filling the earth!
I love you and visit your blog because you’re a light. This bridle in my mouth sucks, for lack of a better word, but just like you I had to say something.
I remember when Martin came to Bethel in CA and described embracing the prophetic lifestyle and how these ‘empire’ manifestations would be a sign of the very things we are praying into/for.
I think ‘empire’ translates to Kingdom somewhere in the bible? It belongs to God then…right? The empire ‘spirit wars’ are just that…wars in heavenly places. Someone I trust told me that the current empire ‘Dominions’ are occupied by the Giants, they rule with fear. What big clumsy oafs! Hang his head from a very high pole and take a picture for me.
I love the title, ‘Traveller’s Rest’. You have authority over the storms you can sleep in. You are awesome!
I honor you, God favors you, and history will, without doubt, vindicate you.
(Exodus 33:18, John 17, 2 Peter 1). 2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 119:105, Ephesians 6:10-20, 1 John 4:4, Colossians 2:15, Luke 10:19, Colossians 1:13, Romans 16:20, Revelation 1:18, Matthew 16:19
Brent, thank you for sharing here. Your words are of great encouragement. From one messy unqualified man to another, bless you so much. Strange to think that that is actually what makes us qualified
Three generations flying before and the coming, fourth bringing in the harvest? Great dreams and exciting times!
Paul, God has made you the person you are and there are lots of us out there that love you! I appreciate that it can be hard at times but I also know that it would be even harder for you to pretend you don’t feel the things that you feel. I, for one, certainly owe you a lot in terms of helping to formulate my thinking on many issues surrounding church and leadership. Be blessed and encouraged mate. x