Conference junkie

First off a confession. I am a recovering conference junkie! It is not that many years ago that I was running around the U.K. to see and hear the latest big name. I would drive for a good couple of hours to hear a Name prophet or worship leader. I threw myself into the Sunderland refreshing by attending nearly every conference they had and if I could not make it personally I made sure I ordered all the teaching tapes and books by the main speakers, after all I may be missing what God is trying to say to me. Remember the frustration ofringing to book for a prophetic conference in Sunderland only to be told it was unexpectedly full. I told the woman on the end of the phone that they should have seen that one coming and put the phone down disappointed. How would I survive now? What is God saying? What if He had a Word or encounter for me? Used to visit my wife’s sister and her husband up north, not to see them but to have freebie bed and breakfast to go see Paul Cain, Mike Bickle, John Paul Jackson, names, names, names. the cult of celebrity started in the church if you ask me. Well ask the other Paul who even at the start had to speak into the situation and say ‘it is not about I follow Paul, I follow Peter etc.’ But being a conference junkie is hard to stop. I needed the fix. Then the great names came into Wales. Conferences on my doorstep. Not so much running but more to go to. Wales you shall be saved. Wow another Word. What amazing days to live in. I then had a subscription to Sky just so I could get these speakers into my living room via the God channel. Now I could be a part of every revival and refreshing in the earth and not even leave my house. Rodney Howard Browne, John Arnott, Rick Joyner, all beamed into my house. Surely this is how Obed-Edom felt when he had the Ark of the Covenant in his front room, how blessed am I. But then something must have happened. I do not know whether I grew up or blew up but I think I was conferenced to death. Remember sitting listening to another prophet from overseas preparing myself for the latest revelation and God just whispering into my heart, ‘Wales doesn’t need another visit from another prophet, what it needs is here in the guts of the Nation already. A nameless, faceless people not out for platforms and pulpits, a people buried in the Nation poured out for a people.’ That was about ten to fifteen years ago. Took a while for that to sink in because I became the conference speaker, but that bubble was soon to burst. Almost over night I stopped running around investing my time and money in these big events and speakers. The junkie was junked.

Never Heard of them

Now I find myself in a strange place. It is almost as if I have had my T.V. taken away, the computer and had no access to any tabloids or magazines. I am out of touch. When I have had trips to India or Africa and have lost touch with the news etc, the world goes on and you do not even realise it. That is how I now feel in the Christian ghetto and world. Lately a few people have excitedly told me about speakers they have travelled to see and hear, and new refreshing and revivals going on and I have to look at them blank and say that I have never heard of them. It makes for almost awkward moments because they want me to agree about how wonderful these speakers are, and they are probably good don’t get me wrong, but that is just not where I am at right now. Do I feel like I am missing out? There would have been a time when I would have said yes to that, but not any more. I have nothing against the gatherings but I don’t need them anymore. Gatherings have taken on a whole new relational dimension for me rather than some impersonal big meetings with the next big thing. Chasing the next touch or the next Word or the next wave. Is that really what it should be all about. Each new wave disengages more people who don’t get it or get into it. This creates insiders and outsiders. I am now one of the marginalised one’s that don’t even know what is going on any more. I find myself switching off when people go on about big speakers. The celebrity cult is massive in Christianity and we need saving from it. We criticise the world for it’s X-Factor and Big Brother world but we are even worse. I now cannot stomach the God channel.

What are we chasing?

I may sound like a grumpy old man but I am concerned we are investing in the unimportant. I cannot point the finger because I did it for many years. I chased rainbows, a pot of gold that I could not reach by attending stuff. I was taken in by the stuff, the dynamic, the charismatic, I chased the big thing for years spending loads of money doing it while I struggled to pay bills. Went to all this stuff and neglected time with my family. I never got satisfied because the rainbow kept shifting, I could never quite find the end of it. All along if someone had only told me and kept telling me, the treasure was here all along in this jar of clay. I already had the treasure inside me. The same Spirit that rose Christ from the dead lives in me. Wake up Paul Leader and smell the coffee!!! I was chasing shadows. Shadows in Scripture were only a taste of what was to come, the real thing. The tabernacle of Moses was only a shadow of Christ dwelling in and through us as Living Stones. We seem happy enough chasing shadows when the reality is so much more dynamic. Christ in ME!!!! Now I have learned the art of being content in my discontentment. I have no desire to chase the next big thing, and anyway I do not even know what it is called anymore. What is the latest refreshing? The latest big name could come to my town and I would not know who he was. I would not buy his book because I do not know what he has written. Am I missing out? I don’t think so because the life I have full of family and friends and work colleagues and links of heart and spirit are so fulfilling I do not need to be a junkie anymore. I am free to live without the latest dose of whatever is around. I no longer spend my whole life chasing rainbows and shadows.

Learning On The Go

On Monday night returned from a seven day trip to Sweden. This was a return trip to a Nation on the back of visiting through the rambling words of these blogs. Rambling as in sometimes lots of talk but also rambling as in sharing about the walk. A walk that always seems to be unfolding and shifting and challenging and changing. As my life touched and journeyed through the Nation with my friend and companion Geoff Reed from Cramlington, near Newcastle in the North-east of England, we both realised how much we were learning and being continually shaped by the journey itself. Geoff also a connection via the blogs and a visit to the north-east of England. This was truly a walk in the new along the ancient paths. We spent four days in Helsingborg in the south, right on the Danish border, and then moved up the country a short way to Borås. This blog is some reflections of the journey. A personal perspective that I trust will help us see a part of God’s heart. Like the journey itself it my be full of random comments and lots of loose ends, but hey that is the reality of this adventure.

Part One: Helsingborg

A city on the border of Denmark. A contended city like many border cities. Through it’s history has been part of both Nations. A city of much bloodshed on the streets. Is a very obvious gateway city as a ferry terminal and centre of new business reveal. The headquarters of the famous Ikea is here, where we were given a tour inside by our host Torbjorn Erling, who along with his wife Anna-Karin and daughter Johanna, made us feel so at home. Torbjorn is a gatherer and connector. Not out of any sense of building ministry or title but out of love for those he walks with and love for the city. Was a part of a few gatherings connected by prayer, but more than that there was connection out of love. Love for fellow travellers. Those sowing into the heart of the region of Hoganas and Helsingborg. We met a small group of leaders with a strong bond, not joined by that normal competitive spirit but through heart. Broken leaders, poured out for the city. One a pastor of 500, another a leader of a small spontaneous house church network, both shoulder to shoulder for the sake of the city. It was great to meet individually with these guys and just share heart and journey. There were questions on all things and sometimes no answers. Here are just a couple of personal reflections. Do our prayers change the city or bring transformation? Big question. After thinking about this as we gathered in many different ways to pray for change I think the answer is yes but maybe not in the way we are all looking for. I asked the question how does transformation come to a city or a Nation? One life at a time. If prayer draws us deeper into connection with Him who is already present then that can bring change to me. Then every time I change it already changes the city. Transformation comes as I am transformed, moving from glory to glory. Transformation happens just by me being here. As we live love, freedom, peace, joy etc. the atmosphere of the city is already changed. As we listened to leader’s struggles and the weight of the work and expectations spoken and unspoken there was a sense that there had to be a death to leadership of position and title. This constant need to perform and be seen to be a success. Always waiting for the next big thing or the next answer. Shifting positions and churches but still the same issues. Lives full of doing the stuff but not full of life. Was stirred about a wave of buried leadership. If apostles and prophets are a foundational ministry they must be underground and unseen. In the dirt and mud of the earth, the city, the Nation. Getting their hands dirty. Not to oversee but undergird. Not to be the voice but to connect others to The Voice, the whisper. To serve and not to be served. A seed sown into the earth that has died. Only that type of seed will bear much fruit. Maybe never gaining recognition by man but always seen by God, even in the depths. Always drawing out of others, always prefering others in love, poured out as a drink offering, broken, earthen vessels. Walking shoulder to shoulder and not breaking rank. Never taking ownership. I saw this so much in Torbjorn. What a big heart to just serve and love. As we left Helsingborg we left with hope for the City. People prepared to sow in the opposite spirit of the fought over nature of the city of the past. People not building empires but demonstrating kingdom love and hope. People that will always be a part of our hearts like the wonderful Erlings, Rickard Cruz, Jonas Hallobro, Alejandro Gallardo, and others. Not forgetting Mohammed who we prayed for, a young man recently saved, a sign for the city. Firstfruits. Helsingborg we love you!!! To end this chapter a quote from Jonas, ‘I was expecting something dynamic but instead found life.’

Part Two: Borås

This was a return visit to Borås and the home of the wonderful Maria and Bjorn Isacsson. Maria has one of the biggest hearts I know. A heart that reaches out to broken pastors and their families, to immigrants and generally to anyone that comes in her direction. This led to the opportunity to pray for many people and to stand with them in this part of their walk. To hear stories of lives torn apart and living on the edge of society. Women about to be deported, family members lost, brokenness. Moslems coming for prayer out of the desperation of their heart. The story of hope of Milena, an immigrant whose life was turned around through miracle. Now walking in fulfilled prophecy. A walking ball of life and fun. Already a leader of a new way, a cleaner but boy what she is carrying into people’s homes is nothing other than God’s glory. Meeting Bradley Abrey and Ja-Kyung Moon, two lives being sown into the nation in mission with Operation Mobilisation. In one moment there were people from four continents in one room, Asia, America, Africa and Europe. Many languages where translation was interesting, we joked from Geordie to English, to Swedish to the immigrants language. The many coloured God displayed in one place. We also felt the weight of a so called ‘spirit of death’ on the community. Five pastors all losing their sons to suicide. Why? Expectations, guilt, too much weight? Making the call more important than the walk? To close I want to bring an ancient story that became the focus for both Geoff and I, a learning place, a dwelling place, a place of refocus and hope.

Part Three: The Garden

In the garden were two trees; the Tree of Life and the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The second tree being the forbidden tree that brings death. That is why we kept being drawn here, why is there a spirit of death? Where are the roots of death? In the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The evil bit we understand, sin leads to death, no arguments there. But the knowledge of GOOD!!! As I once read, trying to be a good Christian is eating from the wrong tree. Praying, reading the Bible, preaching, unity, etc. etc. All these things are good but if they do not flow out of the right tree, they become a weight of expectation and a yoke we are not prepared to carry. That is why we can become weary in doing good. Only see postion as a way of serving God. Feel that fasting will make a difference. Too many children of Christians, especially leader’s children, live with such a weight of hope and expectations. They feel they can never be good enough. They need to be released to live and even become the prodigal. They need to be shown love not depentant on anything. A love that we all need to return to, the love of a Father that just wants to walk in the cool of the day with us. That whether we pray or not He loves us. Whether we read the Bible or not He loves us. Whether we ever do anything for Him or not He loves us passionately. This is the Tree of life. The mystery revealed to the church at Ephesus, that we are loved. That by the time Revelation was written they had forgotten. They did the good stuff but forgot the key, their first love. They were called back to the Tree of Life. Eating from this Tree will bring a freedom to all people, including the children. Son of Christian parents you do not have to be a youth leader, you do not have to go to prayer meetings, you do not have to go to church!!! Parent you need to parent in a new way without unspoken weight and control. You cannot live your hopes and dreams through them. They must be allowed to have their own dreams. They must know you love them whether they stand or fall in these dreams. Teach them to eat from the right tree. We do not fast and pray to draw near to God, that is good but it leads to death. We draw near to God and then those things flow from that place out of love response. The same with all other spiritual discplines. It is time to stop doing the good stuff, it is killing us. It is time just to dwell at the tree of life and eat from the fruit of freedom.

Great Expectations

In the world of Christianity I have discovered that many relationships come with strings and unspoken expectations. From the church leader who is my friend because he can benefit from my ministry, to the attender at church who thinks that relationship with me as their ‘pastor’ will help them get the ear of the ‘pastor’ and therefore their opinions and views will be more likely to be heeded. Then there are the expectations to support an event either physically or financially or even be a part of something that is being organised. These type of relationships can be a head ache especially if they make it very difficult to say no to, or you start doing something that then becomes an expected habit. When I first moved to Tonyrefail one guy wanted to be my best friend, he wanted to be there for me. He would often turn up unexpectedly to my home and swore he would support my ministry to the end. Things soon turned around though when I refused to go cycling with him! I hate cycling. That was the end of that relationship. Then there are those ‘pastors’ that were all my best friends when I supported their stuff. For one I spoke weekly at a prayer school for about three years. A big commitment when that was every Saturday. We had some great times. This even led to going to Africa and being involved in the bigger picture. I decided to step down after three years and pursue other things (like doing nothing on Saturday). Have not heard from that guy since. Loads of people wanted to know me when I ran a local church. Wanted my opinion on everything from decison making about careers to masturbation and pornography, from what I thought about a certain Scripture to what I thought about a certain moral situation. Now just because I walk outside the church structure people do not want to know me and certainly do not want to know my opinion on anything. Those friendships were not really. They were just strings and expectations. Funny how all of a sudden I cannot be capable of reading the Bible and getting anything decent from it because I am walking in error in some people’s eyes. After leaving Tonyrefail I attended a ‘church’ for a while just to be with people. Built a relationship with someone that I knew beforehand and shared deep stuff with him, intimate stuff. He started to involve me in the ‘church’ stuff and invited me to speak and made a date. As the date approached we left because we felt we really could not do the ‘church’ stuff at that time. A few days before I was due to speak this guy called and said ‘would I mind postponing my speak as something had come up. He would be back to book another date. I am still waiting for the phone to ring three years later!!! My heart yearns for relationships without expectations, relationships of reality. Connections without containment.

The Lonely Path

I realise now I have chosen a less crowded path, a lonely path. Not good if dependancy and identity are shaped by the people around you. I had to go through all the identity crises under the sun, never realised how dependant I was on others. Never realised fully why people hung around with me. The crowds did with Jesus until the stuff got a bit tough. The crowds hailed Barnabas and Saul as god’s in one breath and then stoned them in the next. People can be fickle, and that probably includes me, although I am trying to be more real in my relationships. Really the real relationships in Jesus life were few and far between even though the crowds followed him. There were even different levels of relationship and expectations within the twelve. Some wanted Jesus to do certain things for them, others had mother’s that wanted positions for her sons, his own mother and brothers had demands on him as did the crowds. Jesus never seemed to buckle to the pressure of expectation or containment. He lived as Himself. Not many friends are around for the long haul when you live like this. But as the journey proceeds I am beginning to find some. Connections without containment. Joined and yet free. Free to say yes and free to say no. Free to not have to fulfil a role or have any expectations. Connected just because you, are not because of what is done together. Not having to live in each others space 24/7 and yet love being together and sharing the adventure. Telling stories of adventure and telling stories of pain. Being able to talk about the blessings of God and the mistakes of life, the something and the nothing. Nothing more can be done to impress. Nothing has to be done to express. Connected with an invisible chord whether we speak this week or not. The path may seem to be a lonely place but in reality we were never more alone than we were in the crowd. At least now I can be me and not a performing seal.

Connect Four

I believe in fellowship but not in being a number in a crowd. I’m part of a Body but not when every part just looks and does the same, that is a deformed body. I am connected but with sinews that are flexible and that bend. I am not fixed to you by an inflexible plaster cast where I am molded to go the same direction as you. I want to gather and know that somewhere and somehow it is part of the journey, but also want to be free not to gather. There needs to be a place where we can go once but there is no expectation to return and go again. And yet I can again down the road if I want to. I have always seen a ‘church’ where you don’t even know who the members are and yet you are members one of another. I think we live in those times now. I am part of something and yet often feel isolated. I always see that in the church in Antioch in Acts, people just came and went when they wanted to, and then returned again and left again. A flow of liquid gatherings and connectivity. Connection without containment. Don’t you just hate the ‘you must support the meetings to show your commitment’ warcry from the pulpit? They call that coming into fellowship. That is containment. Connection by guilt or force or control and manipulation. When will we wake up and smell the coffee and realise that is not real relationship and fellowship. Just because we attend church it does not make us be in fellowship with anyone. Stop going and you will see how real alot of those relationships really are. My dependancy on having people around has gone now as have my expectations. Now I have realised you cannot make real friendship happen. It just happens. You sense a connection immediately. There may only ever be a handful of these in a lifetime but they will be worth waiting for. Real connection without containment.

Footnote

There will be no blog next week as I will be in Sweden walking with and in some of those connections. Appreciate your prayers for this time. Sense significant times ahead in these relationships. Expectant and yet with no expectations. Anything goes Lord. Fly out on Monday and return the following Monday.