Monthly Archives: November 2011

Art and freedom

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Art and the occupy movement: Here is a poster from Occupy Print. How will we see change in the public arena? Certainly engage the thinkers who can then help shape opinion and practice in the public arena. New ideas of exchange: time banks; redefinitions of ‘work’; implementing practice at the local rather than the global level etc… But the artists – in this next phase of society the imagination has to be elevated to new levels. Not to fuel selfish ambition, but to capture in visual forms what is possible.

I appreciate that there is a wide divergence of opinion on Occupy – I am not suggesting it is 100% good… but then neither have I discovered that when looking into my own heart or the activity of the church. Taking it away from Occupy for a moment. I am glad for the civil disobedience of MLK Jr., et al., and very glad for the shifts that came about as a result. Maybe in years to come we will look at this decade of civil disobedience with appreciative eyes. Syria, Egypt, Lybia – the Arab Spring; the Indignados; Occupy.

I have tried to watch what is happening in London. The City / Corporation is something that the Labour government of ’97 was going to reform, but eventually did not touch. With so much power, I don’t think it is stretching the analogy to suggest that they have been involved corporately in acts that go well beyond anything we are currently seeing on the streets.

And when we come to prophetic acts – one being that of turning the tables over, I think there is a strong precedence for civil disobedience.

And no this is not a ‘left-wing’ political perspective. It is saying that the god that was made of the free market in the 80s and 90s is not going to have our allegiance. I like the image – the bull is a strong image for Spain, and with the background also in the Phoenician culture (a major trading people) it is time to rein in exploitative trade. Trade routes can be opened up again – redemptively.

Yigal Bronner, a former member of the Israel Defense Forces, in an open letter wrote in 2002. He and hundreds of others refused to serve with the Israeli army in the occupied territories.

And I am supposed to do all this with the natural simplicity of a robot, who senses nothing beyond the shaking of the tank as the shell is ejected from the gun barrel and flies to its target.

He also included this quotation from Bertolt Brecht.

General your tank is a powerful vehicle.
It smashes down forests and crushes a hundred men.
But it has one defect:
It needs a driver.

The Traveller’s Rest- Lamentations.

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Butterfly

On Monday evening I went to see my first ever opera. It was Madama Butterfly by Puccini. The whole evening was simply magical. Even though the whole opera was sung in Italian you could feel the emotion, the passion, the pain of every experience. It communicated in a language beyond understandable words. It was an amazing time, one I would love to experience again. Of course the ending was heartbreaking as Butterfly so broken at the loss of the love of her life to another woman, and the pain of the thought of this woman bringing up her only child got to her and she took her own life. Opera is built on tragedy. Weeping could be heard across the venue as the opera came to the tragic conclusion, including my own I am not ashamed to add. This got me thinking about tragedy and loss and pain and how so much great art and music is written out of the perspective of heartbreak. Many love songs are really heartbreak songs, painters expressed out of a place of misunderstanding and tragedy, writers of the classics were often recluses with very sad lives behind the stories. Christians on the other hand are terrible at handling and expressing pain and loss and bereavement. I think especially so coming from a charismatic/pentecostal background, everything is about victory and overcoming and joy and blessing. Yes this is all part of our story but so is the lament. The song of longing and loss and tragedy. A whole book in the Bible is about laments, many Psalms are cries out of dark places, where are the expressions of this today? It is almost as if to admit to pain is to admit defeat. To mourn the loss of a loved one is wrong when we should rejoice that they are in heaven. To go through the period of loss and bereavement when a loved one leaves us whether through death or marriage breakdown is seen as denying victory. Being made redundant and losing a job, facing cancer, carrying a disability or fear. Living with depression. In all these things we are supposed to live as more than conquerers and in many situations be in church again next Sunday to sing some uplifting songs of praise, when all we really want to do is scream at God and question, why?

Unconfessed sin?

I remember when Allison had her first miscarriage, as you can imagine we were absolutely devastated. Allison probably more so in ways that I would never understand as the watching husband feeling useless not able to do anything. Carrying this grief we went for a short walk a few days after we were home from the traumatic hospital experience. As we walked along we bumped into a member of the church in Lutterworth where I was the ‘pastor’. Without a hint of emotion or thought after the initial formalities he started going on about stuff in our lives that may need dealing with. He even asked Allison if there was any unconfessed sin or issues that she may need to deal with that led to the loss. How I didn’t deck him there and then is only down to grace. You see he, like many others, had no theology or understanding of loss or suffering as part of the story. It was all about victory and blessing and fruitfulness, anything else was sin or rebellion. We didn’t need a lecture about victory we needed space to lament. Instead we were back in church the following Sunday doing what we thought was right, praising God with lovely words of how amazing God is. Why are we afraid of lament? I lost my mum to cancer about 5 years ago. The trauma of seeing her suffer and of losing her was soul wrenching pain. She was only 60, and she was my mum, a pain in the neck sometimes but I loved her to bits. I tried to have faith to believe for her healing, but no way of really expressing the pain of the journey of seeing her wasting away and getting thinner and more ill. I continued the merry go round of church life with victory song after victory song. Got to stay positive. I think what I really needed to do was lament. Let out a cry of pain. But where can Christians express that? Not many conferences on death, pain, loss, tragedy, let us despair together. We shall overcome. Pretend it doesn’t hurt. Here in the Welsh Valleys a pastor took the funeral of his father. Why? What does that prove? Aren’t we allowed to grieve? Is that a sin? No wonder when people suffer and feel the heaviness of the weight of something they stop going to church, how can they sit there in their pain while everyone around them is rejoicing?  There has to be space to lament.

Life Sucks Sometimes

We need to be honest and say life sucks sometimes, really sucks. There is tragedy, pain, hopelessness, depression, sorrow, there has to space to experience this. We are not immune to life’s tragedy. It rains on the good and the evil. Lamentation is part of our worship and a big part of our healing. We have to be allowed to cry out. We have to be able to say sometimes ‘how can we sing the Lord’s song in a strange land’? A Christian lament will always be tinged with hope, because the one of hope lives in us, but there must be space for expression. Overcoming is not an instant pill for success and pretence, it is about taking the shit of life and yet at the end still standing. Fallen but not fallen. Crushed but still running with wine. Broken but not thrown away. We may not like it but the lament is here to stay, and we need it to be able to communcate to a broken people, which includes ourselves. Let a new song of Lamentation be released over a lamenting people and Nation.

The Political gate

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Well I have had a go at writing an initial article on influencing the gate of politics. See here: Politics essay, or use the menu ‘forum’. All the experts you can make a contribution at the forum…

I have tried to challenge our presuppositions rather than provide answers. I am more concerned that we live as authentic followers of Jesus than defend our particular bias. Assumptions re. military, taxation, Christian-nationhood, even nationhood have to be challenged. We cannot equate any system (socialist, capitalist, right, left) to that of the kingdom. We cannot give allegiance to the state that is often required if we live with a New Jerusalem perspective. We cannot impose morality etc…

So the essay is out there with all its weaknesses, engage, break it down and let’s see where we might influence one another – and maybe from there influence a wider audience.

Take a bath and talk…

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Two recent quotes re. Occupy in the context of NY and Wall Street:

Now they will have to occupy the space with the power of their arguments (post the eviction in NY said by the Mayor of NY, Bloomberg) and, Go get a job right after you take a bath (Newt Gingrich).

I am tentatively getting ready to write a very weak article on the gate of Politics. Weak because of the complexity of the issues, and weak because of my own biases. However, these two statements caught my attention. Not because they are intrinsically wrong but because I consider that they are out of touch with the world we now inhabit. A world of 7 billion that has changed forever. We cannot wind the clock back, and will have to find levels of satisfaction, rather than the pursuit of increasing growth. The economic growth of the past is unsustainable if we are going to have a world that moves even slightly toward justice.

So the quotes: occupy the space with the argument would be a great idea. But how about the same media time, the same money to spend on publicising the argument, and the same willingness to listen. The playing field is not level – this is my problem with the statement.

On the willingness to listen – I am no mediator but was reading recently of a way of getting people through on issues. Person A has x minutes to talk. They cannot be interrupted otherwise the clock is reset. They finish, person B now has to rehearse what has been said without making any adjustment to it. Then they have the same amount of time to present their perspective, etc. Listening!!!! with a capital ‘L’.

Go get a job (post having a bath of course). How about Spain at its 23% unemployment, where the banks can re-possess a house, sell it – if there is a buyer in sight – at a below market price, but the former owners still have to pay the difference? What about other Western nations – and I dare say including the US? – where many former hard working people have ended up experiencing the squeeze and losing jobs and houses.

No the world has changed. This is why – despite some real difficulties – this is not the time for the Indignados or Occupy to take a bath.

Nightmare decisions

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‘Is Rome burning?’ had a bunch of comments (over 30) and I missed a lot of the discussion through travelling. It would certainly be interesting to get those who commented in the same room and listen to one another. Interesting because so many things come into play. And when we look at the wider scene and think of the decisions that politicians and economic advisers have to make it makes me very grateful that my few presses on the keyboard are a luxury that they do not have.

We inherit a situation in the Western world – the world that still shapes the global economic scene – where the banking system of money supply is indeed crazy. Is there a way of reversing it overnight? I am sure not, but the possible collapse of Greece, Italy, Spain etc…, is very sobering. If I understand anything about the banking system in the UK, we have the commercial (High Street) banks as the main creators of the vast majority of money – maybe 95+% of it. How is it done – through entering a figure in accounts, mainly when money is borrowed (hence money is debt). If this is not the case – just ask how a small town of say 10,000 people can support 7-8 banks. I can assure you that they are not taking the money that is deposited there by savers, investing it very cleverly and then making huge profits that sustains all that infrastructure. The Bank of England does not produce much of the money that exists. This is why a run on the banks is such a fearful thing. The government might guarantee accounts to the sum of £80,000, but without some fresh creativity (makes one believe in creation ex nihili) they cannot fulfil that guarantee.

But with Europe threatening to bring down the world economy (and many months ago I dreamt of February 2012 being the month of economic crisis coming to a head in Spain) what should they do? Scrap everything and start again? Maybe but the ensuing chaos and suffering would be beyond belief.

Politics. How we differ!!! My politics is shaped by my biases, upbringing, geography, accent, education and a host of other things. I have been very disappointed in the successive Labour governments in their move to the right. That is not because my politics are correct – it is a reflection of my bias.

So what should government be involved in? When is an involvement necessary, when does it become responsible for making a nanny-state out of us?

I remember being shocked in the USA when I was informed that the only real role for government is to provide a strong military to defend one’s citizens. That was a different point of view to mine. I might say, health care for everyone. Others say health care is a privilege to be paid for.

I have no doubt there is a real clash with our views of the kingdom of God. I do not swear allegiance to the UK, I am European not because the EU is of God (crazy thought!!) but because it is the place where God has for many years anchored my heart. This does not mean I pray for European prosperity, but rather I pray for the advance of the Gospel here, and for the confrontation with institutions that earth the principalities of oppression that keep the spirit of rape alive in the continent. I rejoice when I see oppressive regimes and systems come down, and pray for protection for people who are caught up in the aftermath.

The kingdom of God has a vision of swords being beaten into ploughshares (I think American is plowshares?). It has a vision of those with resources pouring it out on behalf of others. Put those two together and we don’t need a military and we don’t need too much taxation. However…, we all know that the fallenness all around causes a problem. The banking system is problematic, but greed is endemic.

I don’t know if this will happen or not, but I am watching Iceland with great interest. I watch it because from there came the ash cloud that covered Europe, occurring just after I had a waking vision of Europe covered in ice: it was an ice land. The people refused to pay the debts and now I would love to see Iceland push through with bringing their former PM and economic shapers to court, with the ‘we did not do this, you are responsible’, then once the verdict is reached that forgiveness takes place, on the basis that ‘we are all guilty of living wrongly’. Now that would allow for a fresh start.

So where am I going with this? In the season that is the biggest in my life-time, I want to be cleaner than before, more ready to give grace to people who have failed us, as I have failed them and others.

As decisions are taken, or postponed, I am sure that those taking the decisions find it hard to sleep at night. The weights that are on them are enormous. And as we hear from the Indignados: If you do not allow us to dream we will not allow you to sleep.

So I do dream of something new. Maybe Europe will take down the global system of money in the momentous year of 2012. Maybe there will be chaos. Maybe I know very little (delete the maybe). But to dream is a privilege.

The Traveller’s Rest- Walking off the Beaten Track.

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“There are no experts in the company of Jesus. We are all beginners, necessarily followers, because we don’t know where we are going.” Eugene Peterson.

Trash the Sat-Nav

I have never owned a Sat-Nav. I never want to own one. This is not a rebellion against embracing technology it is just I think a Sat-Nav must take the fun/frustration out of any journey. There is nothing more exciting than embarking on a journey with a piece of paper and a few scribbled instructions. The most memorable journeys are the one’s where these instructions become of no use whatsoever because you find yourself in a different place, off the beaten track. My wife calls it lost, but as the driver I would never call it that. These are my own personal short cuts. They may take longer than the long cuts but hey just look at the beauty outside the window that we would not have seen otherwise. That is if you have time to look through all the arguing and flying map books. I’m sure it is something that I have always enjoyed but I begin today with an example from our honeymoon. We rented a nice romantic cottage in deepest Devon, beautiful. We got there perfectly and had a great time, apart from the fact we had loads of logs and I could  not light our log fire, but that is another story. This illustration comes from our journey home. We took a few drives out during our week and each day I would notice a little side road. Then as we drove around the winding road I noticed another side road on what appeared to be the opposite side of a small hill. Taking common sense I would say to myself, that must be a short cut, could save us a bit of time going home. The car was packed, the journey began, I took the plunge off of the beaten track. ‘I know where this will come out’ I confidently proclaimed. It was beautiful, scenic, and completely the wrong way. We drove through floods, got stuck with a tractor coming the opposite direction and went for so long I completely lost my bearings. At each junction I would say, ‘it must be this way’. Each time it wasn’t. Looked at th map book, these roads were so obscure they were not even on there. Not even good enough to be ‘B’ roads. The temperature in the car was getting warmer as tempers raised. ‘You’re lost’ ‘No I’m not it is just this way, it must be a main road soon.’ That main road was a very long time coming, and when it finally arrived I was miles out of my way. The honeymoon was certainly over and the marriage had begun. Well it almost ended before it had begun. We laugh about it now but we didn’t at the time. You would think I would have learned my lesson. Sorry, no. I can make the simplest of journeys into something of an adventure. From making us late for family events and gatherings, to driving the wrong way up a motorway. My famouslast words are always, ‘I know where that is,’ or ‘I think I can find that.’ Why Allison has never got me a Sat-Nav I will never know. I think she secretly loves my adventures and excursions. Journeys are made for adventure.

Time for the Uncharted Territory

It is time for us as God’s people to get off the beaten track too. Time to walk where no one else has walked. It is time for the uncharted territory. What is the point of keep walking the same ground again and again and again? We need a bit of Abraham about us and go even though we don’t know where we are going. Stop waiting for directions and specifics. Many Christians will waste nearly all their lives waiting for calls and directions and blueprints for the future. We all want the A-Z of Kingdom journey but I am afraid that is not going to happen. It istime to just walk, go. We have all been sent. We have been waiting around for the big Apostles to direct us but God has already commissioned us, apostled us. We need to be like the Israelites entering the promised land, they had never been this way before. It was new ground, new terrain, a new way of living. Yesterday the collected manna, today they had to produce their own crops. They had never produced their own crops before in this generation, but they did it, they learned to walk and work the contours of the land. We need to as well. The season of manna collection points is over, it is time for the land to produce it’s own fruit, and for people to walk and work that land. Walking off the beaten track. Pioneers and not settlers. Making it up as they go along. There are no books for this journey. No teaching CD’s on this is how I did it, now you do this too and you can do it. This is your clean slate, blank canvas, unspoiled jungle. It is time to make your own mark in the track. Boldly go where no man has gone before.

Lost and Found

I have realised along this journey that being lost is truly being found. God loves loose ends. We try and tie everything up, God undoes it all. It is good to be undone. This is a walk of faith, walking blind. His short cuts often take us off the radar but that is all good. In the lost places we find ourselves. In the lost places we depend on Him. In the lost places there is no reliance on familiar land marks or recognisable buildings. Just guided by life, the surroundings, Him. Believing that every step we take is ordered by Him anyway, not needing an order. Just think how much adventure is taken away when we know where we are. We miss out on so much. It is time to embrace the walk off the beaten track. Lose yourself and find so much. God is sending you, calling you, wooing you to the hills and the wide open spaces of undiscovered places. Will you journey with Him?

Get a good return

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So invest money wisely. This is good stewardship – so we are told. Put your money in good soil then there is a return, cos seed produces a harvest. But I have been thinking of Jesus and his money management system. He had an accountant, one pastor recently proclaimed in the media. Not sure that is how I would describe him: Judas.

I think this is a major theme as we are moving away from the commercial Jesus (thank you Rog M for this insight) as another layer of the clothing we put on him is stripped off him. So Jesus lost money through Judas.

If we cannot lose money, maybe see the value in our property go down, we will never be free of money. If we cannot put money into a kingdom venture that fails we will never see righteous shifts in the economic world.

I applaud friends who have sacrificed pensions, possessions with a passion to see the trade routes redeemed. They might succeed, they might see a huge return, or they might succeed and lose everything.

We have to lift shame off people. There is something much worse than losing money. Probably making money that simply impoverishes many would be much worse, and I presume that cannot be called good stewardship.

Serving the body

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Someone who has helped shape me said recently that he is willing to serve the body wherever they are found. I applaud that for Scripture says do good to all especially those of the household of faith. If God has given us something we are to give it away freely, we are to serve. The question that this provoked for me was: is it possible to serve the body wherever it is found, or to put it another way, if we find the body in a certain place how do we serve it there?

These of course are questions that we have to answer individually. So here is my response on this part of the journey.

There are a number of places where I do not feel able to stand in a pulpit, and the reasons for this are complex. Ranging from:

  • does the context deny the message (the medium is the message)? 6 foot above might be a practical place to deliver a lecture, but if the message is the empowering of people, that the gathering has a function but a limited one, then is the pulpit enabling a serving of the body or an imprisoning? Answering that, as I say, is personal, and my answer does not necessarily mean that is the right answer for someone else.
  • what is the time-line in a nation? The European context has shifted rapidly these past 10 years. I see a lot of pressure here, with the demise of something visible taking place at this time. Hence I am more reluctant to stand in certain positions in Europe than in some other places. In Europe there is a growing number who are positioned in weakness, somewhat isolated. They need to be encouraged
  • the need to be misunderstood! If we wish to be understood we will also have to be misunderstood. The moment one is understood it is guaranteed that the message has been in part commodified. If we are motivated with a desire to be understood this will trip us up. Not everyone will understand us and what we do. Who understands us and who does not at any given point of time is one way we serve the body. So we all have to make choices as to who does / does not understadn our actions.
  • stewardship of time. We cannot be everywhere, nor can we be in as many places as we would like or others would like. And we cannot be in the places that reward us financially. I do wonder how many invites are responded to that are viewd positively because the financial reward is greater? And alongside finances is the issue of ego.

So there are a few of the factors that we probably all have to wrestle with, and maybe those who have served the body in a previous season from the pulpit have to wrestle with. Just some thoughts!!

I am very important – just check out my title

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I was once told that in Brazil there was a disease in the church. ‘Apostolitis’: everyone who was anyone was ‘Apostle so-and-so’. In fact we were told that one person had become very aware of this and that he was no longer a mere apostle but was now ‘Semi-Cherub…’ At least he was ‘wise’ enough to leave room for a little more growth through attaching the word ‘semi-’ to his title.

However, a little closer to home. Jesus – remember him? – told us not to give titles (Matt. 23:6-12). Titles go with position. If Paul is ‘Apostle Paul’ he has a position and is above. If he is – as he describes himself consistently – Paul, an apostle, he does not have a position but is accountable to a calling. He has to live up to the calling, he has to experience whatever he needs to go through, in order to be an effective servant and fulfil what God called him to.

It is time for titles to end, and callings to begin. Callings mean we take responsibility before God, then we lay down our lives.

Short blog, but simply to say goodbye ‘Apostle Jim’, ‘Semi-cherub Bob’ or ‘Pastor Ray’ or… and hello ‘Jenny, an apostle that I honour’, ‘Mary, a pastor that I see empowering the marginalised’ etc.

Thanks God the changes that are here are bigger than the issue of titles, but sometimes the small shifts make a big change, or conversely holding on to something, that we think is a small issue, locks something in place.

Interesting Scriptures #17

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And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ (Ephesians 4:11,12).

I grew up on this one, and am very grateful for that. The five-fold (or four-fold) ministry emphasis was something that shaped me. The church had to have the foundations laid by apostolic and prophetic ministry. I still believe this, and maintain that we need apostolic foundations to be laid in every generation. However, apostolic foundations are not laid where there is a building but where there is no building. Hence, Paul was an apostle to the Gentiles. He could not change the Gospel, but he had to determine under God how that Gospel would be applied in a new setting. Today, in the most rapidly changing world there is an urgent need for apostolic work.

So where do we expect to see apostles? Or maybe we need to ask if we will even ‘see’ them.

A second aspect – for I have labelled this an ‘interesting’ Scripture, is whether Paul intends us to understand two entities: a five-fold ministry and a body, or whether he is thinking that there is a body and the body is a five-fold ministry? Certainly later he lays out his vision, that ‘when each part is working properly, [this] makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.’ If he saw the ministry gifts as separate to the body he did not see this as his vision, so there is some weight to consider that he saw the body as being the five-fold ministry. If not – he at least saw the body as becoming the five-fold ministry.

And because I started with some comments about ‘apostles’ let me end with something I will need to pick up another time. How different a calling is from a title, and I am glad the writer of these Scriptures (laying on one side who the author actually was) did not describe himself as ‘Apostle Paul’.

Is Rome burning?

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The Stratfor Global Intelligence report suggests that there was an international system that shaped the international economic system, and that from 1500-1991 this was pretty static, but that the last 20 years are marking a major change. Such analysis is beyond my knowledge but the article certainly articulates it well. It also coincides with the Reformation era to the third 20th century global outpouring of the Spirit.

Jesus came to the Graeco-Roman world. This is the axis currently that is under huge pressure
Since early 2000s the major theme that has been the focus for many is the Imperial spirit, the ‘taking up of the Roman way’. For those with a European focus the realisation that there have been successive ‘days’ in the Gospel history, and that a major cradle for the Gospel was the European continent, from where the mission went out (Catholic and Protestant) carrying a good seed but an Imperial package, has meant repentance, prayer, the willingness to experience exile, to explore the pain and joys of finding a totally new configuration and setting.

So now we have a European and all-but global crisis. This is not going to end. There is a new world that is being birthed, or at least a new configuration of the former world. Jesus came to the Graeco-Roman world. This is the axis currently that is under huge pressure. From there it can only spread East and West. The centres of the Spanish and Babylonian Empires are certainly going to find themselves right in line.

The banking world has to be re-configured. That might be the most visible aspect but it is not the only aspect off our world that is being re-configured.

We live in days of huge significance. Democracy has died a death in the West. I have written before that the democratic process cannot be equated with democracy. Things are the way they are because of the democratic process. For example, increasingly money is being used to manipulate political scenarios.

A huge sign is the Occupy tents on the ground of St Paul’s, the very place where the Corporation finds it roots in 1066, that gave birth to one of the major centres of global finances and its autonomous structure (I am speaking of the City of London, the square mile). The ‘Lord Mayor’ sits as a trustee on the board of St Paul’s. Symbolism all the way of what we have come to.

So what does this mean for us? True democratisation is the work of the Spirit. ‘They all received’, ‘they all spoke’, ‘we all hear’. It is the reversal of Babel (and all towers confuse language).

Who knows what will come through the crisis politically and economically, but surely it is a new day here for the body. The day of democratisation. The Roman way, the titles, the personality glitz culture? We say ‘goodbye’.

Rome might be burning, some might continue to fiddle while Rome burns… I think it is time to sing a new song.

The Traveller’s Rest- Wasted!!!

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Close Encounters of the Word Kind

I have had a pretty strange ten days or so. Lots of encounters with people of the past. It is only at times like that that certain things are stirred inside, some of those feelings are pretty uncomfortable, but it also stirs up a reality check with where I am standing and looking out from now. So this will be a pretty personal blog but I can only share about the journey I am on right now, the ever shifting, ever changing  journey.

It all began at work about ten days ago. I was in those Holy aisles of Asda filling those shelves and all of a sudden a voice said ‘Paul is that you, what are you doing here?’ It was a young guy who had heard me preach a few times when I visited his local church. I had not seen him for many years so shared my journey from resigning as a ‘Pastor’ and then coming to work in Asda on the night shift four years ago. About no longer being a part of a local church but living out my walk and faith where I was. Was more than surprised that the Rhondda grapevine had not reached his ears and added a bit. His reply didn’t surprise me because I had heard it before, but what he said that night has haunted me a bit over the last week or so. ‘What a waste of a gift, you should be pastoring or preaching somewhere else not working in here.’ He then went on to tell me about a new church plant he was beginning in the Rhondda (another church split really) at the end of November and invited me along. ‘Be great to see you there, come and join us.’ Of course the thought horrified me. I did not have to pray about it or even think about, I knew for me there was no going back now. I know God has me in the palm of His hand and where He wants me to be. But words… Why do they sometimes stick so much? That old rubbish about ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ Words can break something much worse than bones, a man’s spirit. ‘You are wasted.’ Am I? Was I? I could probably have shrugged these words off straight away like I normally do but there were other events about to happen that would keep those words haunting me. More past encounters.

My Family

My wife Allison married into ‘ministry’, I was a ‘Pastor’ when we got married. This surrounding was not alien to Allison because her father was a ‘Pastor’, as was her grandfather. She has three brothers and one sister, the eldest escaped to South Africa and became a teacher after being a miner. The next brother is a Pastor locally, the next brother has been an elder in a church and preaches and leads worship locally, her sister is married to a Pastor in Newport. You can imagine how my journey has gone down in that sort of surrounding. On Saturday there was a bit of a family gathering as Allison’s brother’s son (our nephew) was being inducted as a Pastor in the same church where his grandfather was Pastor about fifteen years ago. Went to support Allison really, but of course the family as well, but talk about uncomfortable. I felt like a fish out of water. I felt like I had nothing in common with these people whose whole life revolves around going to church and the next meeting. I felt marginalised myself as they talked church stuff and family stuff. Pastors were there from my old fraternal and again the past and present confronts. While everyone was excited for Matthew I found it hard to enter the excitement. Felt like I was outside looking in. Those words return to fly around the head; wasted! There was no way in a zillion years I would ever want to be a part of that again, but talk about God’s X-ray of my heart going on. Feeling the exposure of His heart on what was in my heart. Felt uncomfortable and vulnerable. I love Allison’s family to bits, and I realise the working is deep in me in my heart and in my head, but this journey can be a strange one sometimes. ‘You are wasted.’

Last Night

In our local Comprehensive school there is a sport ministry involved called Sporting Marvels. This team of young people work with the school in all areas of sport and P.E. influencing for good. The church that had the vision for this ministry I was very much involved with in prayer days, prophetic schools, ministry and going to Africa on mission. Daniel our 16 year old is involved in this project at school. They are planning on taking a group of young people to Africa in 2012 as part of the programme to expose these youngsters to a third world country. Last night they had a meeting in the church that I was involved with for many years. More old faces from the past. Seeing pictures of places in Tanzania I had gone. ‘You are wasted.’ Was strange sitting in those surroundings feeling as out of place there as many of those other parents were feeling. Was a time these surroundings would feel like home but no longer. My home is the wide expanse of life, the roads, the streets, wherever my feet tread.

Wasted on Him

I may be wasted but I am wasted on Him. I may be wasted but I am free to fly. I may be wasted but I am poured out on the ground for Him. I may be wasted but I am thirsty and hungry for more of Him. I may be wasted but my life is spent for purpose. I may be wasted but I no longer want to waste my life on systems and structure. I may be wasted but I want to be wasted for people. I may be wasted but there is no going back, I have nowhere to go back to, nothing I want to go back to. I am wasted!!!