Stage=whole existence.

“It is strange to be out there and you’re never really alone. You’re infront of so many people and connected on such a grand scale. But you miss actual intimacy and home and connection. You start living for the gigs and the stage because the stage becomes the only normal place because everything else changes but the stage seems to stay the same. And then the stage becomes your whole existence, and that’s slightly terrifying as well.” Florence Welch (of Florence and the Machine).

When I first read this quote from a Radio Times interview I could immediately relate the experience of this singer to my former life as a pulpit preacher. The stage was the pulpit, my whole existence became trying to find something to say (what God was saying of course) from the pulpit, the stage appeared to be the only place I could be normal and the audience, my listeners, needed to be uplifted (entertained). On the stage I was never alone, whether there were 12 or 1200 or more there was a feeling of connection on a grand scale. For that moment this shy boy from the Suffolk farm lands had people’s full attention. People who wanted to hear what you had to say. People you could teach, lead, influence, correct, interpret Scriptures for. For 30 minutes to an hour my gig was to communicate something that people would go home and talk about or give that feel-good factor. Reading the Bible became a finding the next sermon session, my work was being paid to prepare the sermon and communicate it, to tickle the ears, to empower people to do it for themselves, as long as they came back again next week to hear me again. When the stage becomes your life no wonder you lose your identity.

Who am I?

I could not believe how lonely it was stepping out of the pulpit arena a few years ago. I could not believe how much of my identity as Paul Leader was wrapped up in what I was doing. The detox that had to take place, and is still taking place in many ways, went so deep I actually lost for a season who I was. I was Paul the preacher. A mean preaching machine. Paul a prophet who can just turn out a Word at the flick of a switch. People knew this man, but never really knew me. The strange thing is I had become this man and that is all I had got to know. Even I did not know the real Paul Leader beyond the stage. We see this with musicians and actors all the time. The stage person becomes the reality; where is the line of distinction between Jordan and Katy Price? Where does Boy George end and George O’Dowd begin? Does anybody ever talk to the real Paul Hewson or is it just Bono full time? Does anyone, including myself, know the real Paul Leader beyond the pulpit or the preaching or the prophecy? Over the last 5-6 years I have been reintroduced to him. Don’t like everything I find but it’s real. It is so easy to live behind the performance and the stage and hide the real broken you. How many comedians are really broken people? How many pulpit people are broken people who have not really got it all together? I had perfected the art of the actor to engage with my audience, they did not have to know the real me. But it is lonely. Surrounded with people but very few real friends. Not knowing whether people relate to you for your gift or for who you really are. I think that was answered when I finally stepped away from the church system and from the pulpit, friends I thought I had disappeared. People who I had shared some deep stuff with were now nowhere to be seen. They obviously only related to the other me, the actor, the pulpit man, the one living for the stage.

The Yearning Inside.

The yearning for actual intimacy, home and connection. To relate to people on a level of love and friendship, not based on what you do but who you are. To love the man off the stage who may not be as attractive all the time as the man on it, make-up can cover so many blemishes. I thank God that on the journey I am finding some real friends, people who love me and my family as fellow pilgrims walking through life together. That for these people I do not have to put on the performance of a life time. They want to walk with Paul Leader off the stage wherever that walk takes us. There is still times to share and talk and use what gift is inside, but not as performance, instead on a level playing field. Home is where the heart is. My family, my life, my friends, homes of fellow journey makers. Eating, laughing, sharing, crying, praying, eating again. Connections that are real and two way. Joining the dots on earth that have already been joined in heaven. Connecting with people who want to walk with Paul Leader the person not the performer. Living for life and not for the stage. Longing for reality and not the stage-managed. Now my whole existence is every day; work, family, friends, sharing, silence, together, alone, active, inactive. All done while rediscovering the real me. Is this what you yearn for or do you still prefer the stage and the staged? This detox may take some time yet.

One of the Ways is Essex.

Over the weekend was in Romford, Essex (or the London Borough of…talk about a place rediscovering identity) gathering with a small group of people themselves journeying outside the perimeters of organised, structural church. In Between the times of eating together, and we did a bit of that, we talked, shared, journeyed, joined, prayed and sensed a great connection. Here in this room were people carrying scars of the journey but also much in evidence was grace and healing. Most of these people had relocated to the area expecting to find the nirvana promised them as they became community. Although some good things occured, sometimes breakthrough stuff, what they found was not as they hoped.  Yet the shoots of hope for today and bright hope for tomorrow sprung through. Much joy was evidenced through the pain. Marginalised through their associations and decisions to decentralise and deconstruct, God is now joining them into His bigger picture. The margins truly are becoming the story here in Romford. The creation and flow of a diamond geyser. A gusher that will flow in this gateway place between the city of London and the Nation and Nations. I felt God say prior to the weekend that this much maligned county and region would become the much aligned region. That a love affair would happen between Essex and South Wales creating a viaduct for water and fire to flow. Wildfire and the Geyser. Wildfire and the Lightning. The T.V. comedy Gavin and Stacey would be a modern day parable of the connection and love between these areas. Both areas often a sign of ridicule and maligned. But an alignment is already in motion that will sweep the M4 corridor off it’s feet. This will create a spout that will pour into mainland Europe and beyond.

Find your Voice.

Was reminded during my visit there that I had been there on a prior occasion to attend a Prophetic Round table. There was a real anointing and openness in the area for the prophetic. Since that time it is almost as though the area has become hoarse (during our time together a small child’s horse was found behind a cushion of a chair. This is where the voice has been stuffed), it has lost it’s voice. Felt that we needed to press in for the voice to be restored again. Through Jeremiah 20:9 and Revelation 10:8-10 shared about eating the scroll and speaking again. The pressing in for/resting in the supernatural/grace flow of God is right and needed, but the Voice needs to be heard again. The sound of the anvil needs to rise again. Romford find your voice, eat the scroll, speak from the guts, you cannot keep quiet. There are ears that need to hear what the Spirit is saying to His ekklesia. As we sat and talked I sensed that the prophetic round table of the past had been replaced by the kitchen tables and coffee tables of the present. The situation of the invited select few ‘ministry gift’ people had been replaced by the Voice within all people. Come on Romford, I want to hear you.

Hope Deferred…

As I touched the earth in Romford I also sensed much disappointment and disillusionment. These people had come to Romford chasing the rainbow, looking for nirvana. Transformation was promised and prophesied as they were called to relocate and become part of something bigger. Apostolic leaders were being raised up carrying an authority to bring revival to the land. These promises remain unfulfilled. The pot at the end of the rainbow was never found. The hope that was raised up never materialised and hearts became sick. This led to much death of dreams and callings, and death inside many who gave up everything for what they thought was imminently coming. Yet what I felt was a fresh hope arising. Not in looking for the big but in the margins and often out of site of the pulpits and the buildings. In ordinary people touching the street. A wheel within wheel move of God where the imprint of the tyre tread of heaven is being left in the dust of the earth. A people not looking for the next big thing or move, but part of the flow of the movement of heaven invading earth as evidenced in Ezekiel 1. Living transformation where glory imprints earth and dirt imprints heaven.

Out of Control.

The biggest challenge for the area continues to be control. The question was asked about what to do in the face of this? I felt that a key is to continue to live and give freedom in every way possible. Living out of control can often be interpreted as being rebellious but lived out in grace and love it is key to the area of Romford and beyond. The old song ‘born free, as free as the wind blows’ came to mind as I worshipped. We must be born again, again, again in freedom. But freedom must also be given, people need to be free to live even outside our sphere of understanding, and be free to make mistakes without us saying ‘I told you so’. This is where true spiritual covering will be restored as love covers over a multitude of sin. Moses still cries from the gallery of the cloud of witnesses, ‘let my people go’.

Summing up With Loose Ends

Connections with some great people. Reconnection with someone I had not seen for 25 years totally out of the blue as we walked the street. Lightning girl. Diamond Geyser. Eating and laughter. Tree climbing and hugging. Misshapen shapes. Shapeless shapes. New shapes. New days, fresh days, old days. Romford clearing it’s throat ready to speak, refusing to be controlled, grasping fresh hope. Rainbows being released. Mick and Christine Smith, Gerry, Jane and all the gang, love you all loads. Here is a Tia Maria coffee to the road ahead, whatever it may look like.

God of the Fairytale.

I have for many years seen shafts of light in movies, and I do not mean just films like Ben Hur or Jesus of Nazareth, I see the eternal in films like Field of Dreams (my favorite of all time), Minority Report and Toy Story. Over this past week have watched two films that have really blessed me and reminded me of the radical nature of the love of God and how when that love kisses our lives everything changes. On Saturday had a date with the beautiful Allison Leader. We manage to escape our brood every now and again and this was one of those occasions. I had wanted to see the film Snow White and the Huntsman since I had seen it advertised, much to the ridicule of my four boys who thought it just looked like another teen movie. What is wrong with a good teen movie I thought to myself? There was something about a modern retelling of a fairytale that caught my attention. I love a good fairytale, and I think God does too. It turned out to be a great movie, so full of God. Especially the end where true love’s kiss brought an awakening, resurrection, defeat of the enemy and transformation of lives and community. The whole earth was affected by the kiss of the Huntsman. Colour, life, joy, freedom, a new day, a fresh dawn. There is power and so much feeling in the True Love’s Kiss. A couple of nights later was watching a film called the Adjustment Bureau. Had not really heard much about it but my son had got the DVD (obviously not a teen movie then!). I was gripped. Questions about whether life is predestined by a higher power and whether we can ever veer from that path. Walking in freewill. Destiny, do we have a choice. How events have a cause and effect. So much to think about, and loads of good action too. But the end, what changed everything. A kiss! A simple, sloppy snog. When the kiss happened, true love’s kiss, it changed everything, past, present, future. A kiss that transformed. I may be a sloppy spud, as we say in this house, but that has really stirred me this week. Reminded me of paths I have walked and am walking. The power of True Love’s Kiss.

Passion for Jesus.

Song of Solomon 1:2. [ The Banquet ]  The Shulamite  Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— For your  love is better than wine.

But I bow down and kiss the Son. Oh, and I bow down and kiss the Son. (Kevin Prosch)

A huge part of my journey was discovering the passionate relationship that I was a part of. The heavenly love story. I remember reading ‘Passion for Jesus’ by Mike Bickle for the first time and hearing him speak in Sunderland during the refreshing meetings up there, the impact that had deep in my life, my soul, my spirit, my whole being. Reading the Song of Solomon as a love story about His passion for me. His desire of me, His chasing of me, His kisses for me. Hearing songs such as ‘Kiss the Son’ by Kevin Prosch and being awakened by His longing for a love affair with me. For a brick layers son who had experienced very little expression of love in his home (I knew I was loved but never told or physically shown any love during my teen/later years) this was mind blowing and sometimes hard to comprehend, but what revelation. The True Love’s Kiss totally transformed everything. Ruined me, wrecked me, blew me away. I was head over heels in love with Him and more amazingly He was head over heels in love with me. Not because of what I could do or what I could give Him or how gifted I was, but because He just loved me. The danger here is that I can live to love Him for what I get out of it. If I feel His kiss or His presence. If things run smoothly. If He answers my prayer, opens the door, supplies all my needs, provides, heals, sets free. Yet this True Love’s Kiss has won my heart in such a way that it is not about what I can get out of Him anymore. I love Him. I passionately love Him. That kiss has changed everything. Transformed and continues to transform. My perspective of everything is shafted with His light and love. He has won my heart and I am free to be His. My life has experienced resurrection and rebirth. He has wrecked me for just living for me. That passion tinged everything. I love living the fairytale. My Prince, My Huntsman.

Sloppy wet kiss.

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

Bending beneath

The weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these

Afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize how beautiful you are

And how great your afflictions for me

Oh how he loves us so Oh how he loves us How he loves us so
Yea He loves us Oh how
We are his portion

And he is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes

If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking

So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss

And my heart burns violently inside of my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way He loves us

Oh how he loves us so Oh how he loves us How he loves us so
Yea He loves us Oh how
I thought about you

The day Stephen died

And you met me between my breaking

I know that I still love you God

Despite the agony

See people they want to tell me your cruel

But if Stephen could sing

He’d say its not true

Cause your good

This song by John Mark McMillan expresses the fairytale in such a great way. The sloppy wet kiss and yet the reality of life’s tough times. This is no ‘love is blind’ to all that is going on, yes we are blinded by His love and passion but it helps us see through fresh eyes. We have been won by one and we will never be the same again, and nor will the world that we touch or live in. As I have said a few times lately, transformation of community comes because I am transformed. Because I have changed what I touch changes. This is what True Love’s Kiss has done and will continue to do. Oh He loves us so.

P.S. Over this weekend travelling to Romford, Essex to share with Mick and Christine Smith and friends. Appreciate your prayers as more dots are joined and God’s heart is released. Already sensing some significance in this connection. As I have been stacking those shelves God has been whispering some stuff to share. Looking forward…

Jubilate Everybody

Walking home from the train station on Friday night after my Latvian adventure I was surprised to see an addition to the outside of our house. Coming down from the upstairs window and tied to our railing outside was some Union Jack bunting. It was the only sighting of the Union Jack in our street. The Welsh Valleys are not known for their royal fervour. In-fact on the train journey from Cardiff to the Rhondda some inebriated people were debating about the Jubilee celebrations and they were not talking up the Royal family but instead getting tanked up for the troops abroad or just for the hell of it. After all this was a four day weekend now! Yet although we did not have a street party or go to London with the revellers we were drawn into the celebrations through the window of the media. Not that any of us would consider ourselves to be royalists, infact my boys were waiting for the Queen to fall off the royal barge, nor would we consider ourselves to be proud Nationalists, Allison still is Welsh through and through and still feels the pain of being the servant of the English world and system, but there is something about the intrigue of this family. Yes too much money is spent on the monarchy, yes in these days when the Empire spirit needs to fall the royals have in history embodied the Empire, yes in many ways they can be deemed to be irrelevant and out of touch, but the Queen in the middle of it all seems to carry such an humility. This family we raise up are still just a family with family issues; marriage problems, illness, expectations, peer pressure and media pressure. There was things happening over the weekend that seemed to be tinged with the prophetic. Left me thinking about the whole concept of Britishness and what that means in this century. I enjoyed the spectacle but should I have done? So many issues to wade through.

Signs in Our Land?

A few things that have resonated lately, could they be signs in the land? Just before going to Latvia the Olympic torch passed through the Rhondda Valleys. We took our youngest to see the flame that is being carried through our Nations signalling the run up to the Games that are now 50 days away. Surprised to see so many people there, the atmosphere was amazing. The glimpse of the torch carrier was briefer than a teenagers briefs but we can say we were there. A flame travelling through-out our land. This flame was well guarded and controlled but a sign of the Wildfire to come (or already burning but unseen by many). Then there was the pealing of the eight Jubilee bells leading the Flotilla with the response of the bells of the churches. Godfrey Birtill’s ‘Ring Out Wild Bells’ based on Tennyson’s words seemed so appropriate. Almost a prophetic anthem being carried out. It was like a cry of a world wanting Freedom and the church beginning to hear that cry. “Ring in the valiant man and free,The larger heart the kindlier hand;Ring out the darkness of the land,Ring in the Christ that is to be.” The lighting of over 4200 beacons across the nations of the Commonwealth. Again I am not much one for the Rule Britannia, thinking of the dominion and domination, the slavery and the forcing of Britishness upon the unsuspecting Nations of the World, but these beacons seemed like a Light shining out in the darkness of world recession. From Tonga to the U.K. the flame was lit and burned brightly into the night sky. Flame on!!! Signs? They could well be, but as I am learning more and more I’m not looking for the big revival event to change our Nation but a local flame that singes those that pass by it. A burning bush life that causes intrigue so people go to see this life burning and yet not consumed. Holy Ground in wilderness places. Lives touched for the transformation of the Nation and the Nations, and as I have said before one life touched already changes the landscape of a Nation. Signs must always point somewhere, and ultimately point back to Him.

Best of british?

I cannot say like many that it made me proud to be British because I’m not sure I should be like that anymore. I appreciate I am English and love my Nation. There are many things in it’s history I am not proud of, as there is in it’s present, but it is my Nation of birth. I have no shame about that, it forms part of my identity. As I appreciate my Britishness. This gathering of peoples from England, the Celts, the Isles. What a diverse bunch we are and getting more diverse by the minute. Being English has always meant being a cross breed of Nationalities and this is getting more so. Coming from an Anglo-Saxon background I appreciate I am already an European and so connect to the continent. Always wondered at the contradiction of an Englishman being racist, we are already a mongrel Nation. I love it that I am European, I love connecting into the tribes and peoples from these lands. Have loved my trips to Sweden, Latvia and beyond. Yet being British and European is no longer one coloured, it is multi-coloured, multi-racial, multi-lingual and I love that. Jubilee has always been about the foreigner being made to feel at home. This is where the royal family can seem out of touch, but I agree with Dyfed yn Roberts who blogged recently on Prince Charles and recognised the fact that he appreciated our multi-cultural Nation a long time before anyone else did. The shift of the cities will be a shift that will effect the whole of the Nation. The sounds will become filled with many Nations sounds. That is where Gary Barlow’s song for the Jubilee was so prophetic with voices from many Nations and cultures. The sound of the church needs to lead here, stop sounding so western from the past, release the new sound of multi-cultural today.

Future Days.

This flow of feeling will no doubt continue through the Euro’s and into the Olympics. 2012 will be a year that much will change and much will stay the same. Has the Jubilee really changed anything other than bringing a feelgood factor? Who knows? The Queen could have cancelled all debts and given all land back to their rightful owners, now that would have made an impact, but she didn’t. She just celebrated with her people. And whether we are royals, republicans or non-plussed she continues on the throne for now. A week passes of bells, beacons and being British.

Not so Posh and Wanting to go Becks.

What an awesome time we had in Latvia. Being able to walk shoulder to shoulder with those poor farmers and giving them much needed man resource along with the hope of the Gospel, I’m sure our week there was not only life changing for those touched by Jesus but a deposit was left in the land to make them more Westernised in their thinking and methodology. These short term missions are so effective at changing lives to the core of the being. We witnessed lives turning around for Jesus, poor people being empowered, including the women who were given a voice in the land. We helped build vital farm equipment, worked some of the land and even trekked through rough forest terrain to build bridges even deeper into the community. We preached and taught to key people laying out the steps needed to build successful churches here in these out of town places, held house meetings and left copies of key material that I’m sure will help guide them through the process of equipping the saints. We have returned with projects in mind to raise finance for to help these people with nothing. We have more people now signed up to our newsletters. We hope as you read this brief report that you are already stirred to partner with us in this key of the sharing of the Gospel to a needy people.  We hope to visit again soon where we will plant churches with our brand name and build a Bible college and orphanage with teams of young folk going there through the year.

Thank God our trip to Latvia was nothing like this. The mind for missions surely has to change.

The Storie Story.

Ian and Joanna are an amazing couple. Our brief time with them was one of hearing journey, sharing lives and witnessing a love for the people and the land. What we witnesses touched our lives greatly and what we evidenced was a standing in the land not to convert it but to work with it. Not to rule it and to change it but to steward it. Not seeing the people as potential souls for the kingdom but to see them as people to respect and love and share lives with. Ian and Joanna are not there with big projects and preaching ministries, they are there walking with God daily, whatever that day may bring. This walk does not convert into an impressive report for a result minded Christianity looking for souls saved and baptised, evidence of healing experienced and churches planted, but we were so touched by their love and sold out living for a people. This was not a mission to them but a life. This was not a five year plan but everything. This was not a stint here and then we’ll go back home, this was now home. Roots deep in the earth, not getting out of there when the going gets tough, but toughing it out. Living the dream daily and not wanting to deliver a Western dream to the people. No short term crash in, crash out, but building something that will last. Not against the flow of the land but in stewarding the land that God has given them, in partnership with God and the people of the land. I was humbled by these lives so given. A journey filled with brokenness and disillusionment and yet held together with hope. Prophetic fulfilment and misunderstanding by others. No big church support behind them just a road of twists and turns that led to this day and this moment. I am sure one day the Storie Story will be written. Joanna already blogs about the journey, which is well worth reading, and I look forward to reading Ian’s side of the story one day too. The whole concept of mission has to change in the new landscape and these lives touch that something new. A commission rather than a mission. A co-mission, working with, walking with, living with, dying with. People of the land not of another land. Learning the culture not introducing a counter-culture. Serving the people and not acting superior. Becoming one of them and not out to make them one of you. Through it all the love of God just flows through their lives as they work with the land and walk with the people. Thank you Ian and Joanna for allowing Geoff and myself to touch your lives for a brief moment, you have now touched our lives forever. We can never be the same again. Wherever we are in this world we need to learn from your example of working with the land, listening to the land, stewarding along with God and the people what we see and hear. Not seeing people as souls to be saved but lives to be loved and respected. Not the kingdom as a dominion to be established but a life of love to live daily, giving of self. Latvia will forever be in our hearts, and you will forever be seen as friends. The dots have been joined and the picture emerging gets even more amazing and even more mysterious. The journey continues to wherever…